 Fear can show itself in different forms and in different situations in life. At this moment in life I am a father of 3 children in the age range 8-11 years old. They go to school, do all kinds of activities after school and a lot of sports. The moment I became a parent I was reintroduced to fear. During the time my children growing up there were and are situations that have me feared something bad might happen. It started with their first steps, fearing that they might bump into the corner of a table. Then they started riding a bike and after getting the training wheels off there was the fear of them falling of the bike on the pavement. Currently the oldest and the middle one are totally into mountain biking and the things they do is amazing. I experienced this during biking with them on trails. I feared falling and then it happened once taking a corner. It made me aware of two things. Firstly, sometimes it is better for my mental health when I am not aware of what my kids are doing outside. Out of sight, out of mind. Secondly, I did something completely new to me and after some time into mountain biking, I loved it, being outdoors and spending quality time with my children. I went from fear to joy in half an hour. ‘Just do it’ proved itself for me again. Going through your fear might be tough and may take a while and the reward is magnificent. Besides being a father and having other roles in life I know fear as a (career) coach as well. In this case it shows itself as the fear of not getting the results client would like to get immediately, the fear of not getting the next client or the fear of talking too much instead of listening. Like the situation mentioned above I might face fear before I step into a coaching session and then coaching and going with the flow gets me to the other side. The side where I ask my client for feedback on our session and I hear things that did not come up in my picture of fear. Again, ‘Just do it’ is so right. Need help to ‘Just do it?’ Please consider setting up a 25-minute exploratory session with me. Let’s practice it together, Coach LJ   Our October theme this month at FromWithin Coaching is FEAR…sure, it is a kitschy theme based on the fact that October is the “watch every scary movie every created in the next 30-days”, but as Coaches and Career Communications’ Specialists, we face FEAR everyday with our Clients. FEAR of not being enough, FEAR of not being good enough to get their dream job, FEAR of asking for a raise, FEAR of writing their resume, FEAR of LinkedIn, FEAR of spiders (ok, so that isn’t something we coach on, but come on, spiders are NOT very fun to look at…) Because we face FEAR every day with our Clients, we remind them that FEAR has many different meanings and can have many different definitions than normally thought of when you look at FEAR as an acronym. Those acronyms include: False Evidence Appearing Real Face Everything And Rise For Everything A Reason Feeling Excited And Ready Face Everything And Recover False Expectations Appearing Real Failure Expected And Received Future Events Already Ruined Fighting Ego Against Reality False Emotions Appearing Real Forget Everything And Relax Forgetting Everything is All Right Frantic Effort to Avoid Reality What you see from this list is that FEAR is often what you make it. Or don’t make it. In doing research for this blog post, I came across Dr. Pamela D. Garcy’s article on her use of the The F-E-A-R System to help her clients work through their FEAR. The F-E-A-R System she uses stands for Focus, Expose, Approach, Rehearse. F = Focus instead of freaking out E = Expose instead of escape A = Approach instead of avoid R = Rehearse a lot What she is suggesting is lean into the FEAR because often, what we think is going to happen (or is happening) is FAR from what reality is. It would not be a proper blog post on FEAR for me to write if I didn’t include one of my favorite quotes/stories on FEAR that Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love wrote in her book on writing, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. “I even have a welcoming speech prepared for fear, which I deliver right before embarking upon any new project or big adventure. It goes something like this: “Dearest Fear: Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently, your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting—and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So, by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.” I invite you today to respect the FEAR that arises today in your life…but don’t allow it to drive you. Not scared, Coach Amy   I’m sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I have been so needy lately. I’m sorry to ask for another favor. I’m sorry I made a mistake. I’m sorry I can’t make it tonight. I’m sorry I’ve been so emotional. And my favorite, “I am sorry for being in the way”, often said as you wander down the grocery store aisle. Why are we apologizing for walking down an aisle? Is it because we may be getting in the way of the person who is considering the box of Pho Xao or Pad Thai (what is the difference anyway?) and you might be blocking their view for the split second you walk between them and the boxed rice noodles? Or is it because you are unintentionally apologizing for “being”? Either way, I appreciate a bit of kindness…trust me, I am the first to extend a hand to someone, open a door, or give up my seat in a waiting room for someone in more need than me. But by saying “I am sorry” for something that I am really not sorry about, am I disempowering myself? Are we being too kind to others, taking away our own chance to be kind to ourselves? How many times do YOU think YOU say “I am sorry” in a day? Take a wild guess? According to a great new survey from Express.co.uk, they found that the average person apologizes approximately 2,920 times every year. That means, eight “I’m sorrys” every single day, that’s 56 apologizes every week and that’s somewhere around 250,000 apologies in a lifetime. There’s more. The survey also found that about one in eight people apologize at least 20 times a day. And, 43% of people admit that they regularly apologize when other people do something wrong to them like someone bumps you on the sidewalk and even though it clearly wasn’t your fault, you say “I’m sorry.” What are you really saying when you say “I’m sorry”? On the surface, “I’m sorry,” may sound like an apology, but I wonder if it may actually be disguising other feelings. For example, the person who apologizes routinely and reflexively when no real offense has occurred, because they believe that they have burdened someone, which is a feeling they have difficulty tolerating. Frequently heard examples of this are “I’m sorry, but I need to use your bathroom,” or, “Sorry, do you know what time it is?” Another example of “I’m sorry” may be used to give the apologizing person permission to say or do something that he or she believes might be objectionable to another, but to be able to do it anyway. Somehow, it seems, saying “I’m sorry” softens the blow or reduces the likelihood of consequences. But for me, what it seems to do is “lessen” our actions…common actions that don’t actually need “Sorry” as the start of the sentence. How much of an objection is to ask someone the time? I mean, really? The time? It is not like you are saying, “I’m sorry, although I would like to know the time, can you actually give me your Shinola watch?” But you aren’t asking for their watch…you are asking for the time. Time is free. Their Shinola watch is not. So why are you sorry for asking for something simple like the time? As a Coach, I hear “sorry” more than I hear any other word from my clients. I am hyper vigilant when it comes to that word, because I truly believe it gives me a sense of what my Client’s self-esteem is like. The more often, the less self-esteem. And I wonder how that shows up in their professional work during work meetings, during interviews, or during conversations with their managers. By saying “sorry” when they have nothing to actually be sorry about, is it annoying as well? Annoying or not, I am a firm believer that it is doing harm to one’s confidence and ability to “own” who they are. Ultimately affecting their professionalism at work. Are we lessening the impact of future apologies? Another insight is that by “over sorry-ing”, we may actually be NOT be saying sorry when we really should or when we do, people don’t feel the impact of a “real sorry.” Is saying sorry like willpower where we only have so many and we run out, misusing our “sorrys” on things we don’t have to be sorry about? When we say “I’m sorry” all the time, when do those around us actually know when we are generally sorry for something? Is it a bit like the boy calling wolf? When you mean it, they might think it is you saying “I’m sorry” reactively again. And it lessens the actual apology. Sorry…I am not sorry. Demi Lovato can all teach us something – stop apologizing so much about things you didn’t do that you seem to think requires an apology! So, what can we say instead of sorry next time? How about: I’m sorry I’m late. Thank you for waiting on me. I’m sorry I have been so needy lately. Thank you for being there for me. I’m sorry to ask for another favor. Thank you for helping me out. I’m sorry I made a mistake. Thank you for pointing out my mistake. I’m sorry I can’t make it tonight. Thank you for inviting me. I’m sorry I’ve been so emotional. Thank you for loving me. I’m sorry for being in the way. Good luck choosing your dinner! I’d go with the Pad Thai. What does it take to stop “over sorry-ing”? Awareness. No need to say “sorry, I’m saying sorry…” every time you say sorry. Just be aware of what you are saying and that’s enough. And soon enough, what you really want to say will start to come more naturally than your “sorry” reflex. FYI – I said sorry 51 times in this blog post. Not sorry, AM   FromWithin Coaching’s very own Certified Life Coach Augusta Good Krahl understands the cost of inner conflict – both personally and professionally as she works with her coaching clients. In my own experience in working with Coach Augusta, I have learned that it isn’t just important to become aware of the inner conflict, but to then develop a plan to work through that internal obstacle. Ignore the inner conflict and you’ll stay stuck.
I couldn’t be more excited to share that Coach Augusta is offering a free event on Wednesday, August 14, at 5:30 pm on Inner Conflict at the Shelburne Athletic Club located in Shelburne, VT. Coach Augusta will identify what inner conflict you may be struggling with, the root of why you are experiencing it, and what you can do to free yourself to live a more empowered and joyful life. You will leave with new awarenesses and individual action steps that will help you move with confidence towards your professional and personal goals. Not sure if you have inner conflict? Coach Augusta often asks her clients the following questions: Do you find yourself in a constant state of worry or anxiety? Do you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing and unable to go back to sleep as you replay past conversations where you either didn’t speak up or say what you wanted? Are you unable to commit to others or to yourself and constantly put off and procrastinate the very things that you know are action steps towards achieving your professional or personal goals? If so, Coach Augusta suggests that you may be caught in the crosshairs of inner conflict, the battle in our mind between what we think we “should” do (our head) and what our true, essential self wants us to do (our heart, wisdom, instinct). Inner conflict is a constant back and forth of chaotic chatter that becomes a routine pattern of contradiction and negative self-talk in our mind. It keeps us stuck, playing small, and unable to grow into the life we desire. The crazy thing is, we may not even be conscious or aware that this inner battle is going on but instead experience it as feelings of unease, exhaustion, or chronic stomach and back pain. Inner conflict results in us being distracted and preoccupied at work and at home. We are unable to truly be present in conversations with our children and parters or when spending time with friends when our minds are swirling and distracted. What causes this mental turmoil and how can we learn to quiet it and to move forward confidently in life with an assured and peaceful mind? Ready to find out how to dive deeper into your own personal inner conflict in order to understand, and make the changes you seek? See you on the 14th! To register, please email Augusta at [email protected]. Augusta Good Krahl, MS, ACC The Wellness Center at the Shelburne Athletic Club 144 Wellness Drive Shelburne, VT 05482 See you all there! Professional Responsibility is YOUR Responsibility: stop waiting for your employer to help you grow!6/4/2019
You’ve finished your degree. Check. You’ve completed all your practical experience requirements so that you can graduate. Check. Your new job is all lined up and ready to go. Mission accomplished. It’s fair to say the first part of your mission is well and truly accomplished. Sit back and give yourself a pat on the back. But don’t take too long about it or you’ll be lagging behind your colleagues. The same is true for professionals with many years’ experience in the workplace. YOU were behind your ability to get through school ad land that job, so don’t give up being a part of your continued education (aka Professional Development). Continuing Professional Development is important because it ensures you continue to be competent in your profession. It is an ongoing process and continues throughout a professional’s career. And it is NOT your just your company’s responsibility to help you grow. Wonderful if they are there to support you, but don’t wait for them to be the only way to develop professionally. If you find yourself in an organization that has punted on their responsibility to train and develop future leaders, then my question for you is simple: What are you going to do about it? I heard something recently that doing nothing in this incredible time of innovation is like actually taking steps backwards, there is no time to sit still and let things “pass you by.” Will you simply skate by, sliding back into your chair to become one of the nearly 70% of Americans who are disengaged at work? Good luck to you because you most likely will stop reading the blog post here. But if you are still reading, it means you aren’t willing to just accept whether or not your employer invests in you…you are willing to invest in yourself. Go you! What constitutes professional development? When people use the term “professional development,” they usually mean a formal process such as a conference, seminar, or workshop; collaborative learning among members of a work team; or a course at a college or university. However, professional development can also occur in informal contexts such as discussions among work colleagues, independent reading and research, observations of a colleague’s work, or other learning from a peer. No matter the kind of Professional Development opportunities you create for yourself, I believe there needs to be four critical components to a successful Professional Development Plan. Without them, you just have a wish, not a plan. 4 Critical Components of an Effective Professional Development Plan: Your Why (Motivation) Why do you want to grow and expand professionally? And the answer shouldn’t just be to “go higher in a company’s ladder” or to “earn more money” – sure that are great goals, but they aren’t “powerful” enough to be sustainable. Are you a natural learner and miss learning? Good reason to develop a Professional Development plan. You’ll enjoy it, and hence, actually stick to it. Or perhaps you want to be known as a thought leader in your organization and that acknowledgement is a powerful motivator for you. Know your “why” and build the plan from there. Assessment There is an established standard of success to describe what an individual who is successful looks like. There is a means of assessing where the individual is against this standard and continual assessment of progress that has been made. What are the standards against which you assess performance and what measures will you use to assess the individual against these standards? Or said another way, when you create your Professional Development plan, how can you assess your success? Challenge It must be something that stretches people, pushes you out of your comfort zone, and requires you to think and act differently. Stretch those growth muscles and ask yourself, “what would be fun to try, but also something that I need to put effort into?” Support We tend to think only of monetary support, but what are the environmental support mechanisms are just as important. Who will provide guidance, feedback, and assistance as you try out new skills, or takes on responsibilities that are beyond the scope of what you know? Not sure where to start in terms of your Professional Development plan or how to assess its success? Reach out to one of our Professional Development Coaches and let’s explore with you what that might look like! Call us for a complimentary exploratory session to help you get started! Cheers, Coach Amy  I am trying to learn WordPress, the backend system that fuels our website here at FromWithin Coaching. But it hasn’t been easy. I write the blog, I hit save, I add photos, I hit save. And yet, each time, when I think I have it just so…I do something wrong and it deletes itself. I have written three times, a wonderful blog on Savannah Guthrie’s commencement speech this past spring, I have written about her wonderful message on how taking big leaps are truly more uncomfortable than scary, and often, they take us down a path that is better than the ones we wanted (especially when where we land is different than where we thought we should.) But for some reason, WordPress doesn’t want me to write about that speech. It wants me to write about mistakes – or as I call them, learning opportunities. For me, a mistake, isn’t really a failure. It is a learning opportunity. The number of times I thought I hit “save” and forgot to hit “save draft” means I had to learn, again and again, what to do when I post a blog. I don’t think that the opposite of success is failure, I think it is information. Because when something doesn’t go the way we think it should, don’t we learn something? Every time if we are looking for the lessons. Do we learn from our successes? Not so much it turns out. We pop the cork to celebrate, pat ourselves on the back and keep moving forward – not actually analyzing what went right…so how much do we actually learn as to why things went right. For me, I see the opportunity to expand my knowledge, is to not have things go well…or mistakes as some call them. I call them un-gift wrapped presents. Like this blog. It has humbled me, challenged me, and taught me. More than if I had successfully posted the first attempt at the blog – three times wasn’t a charm for me on trying to post the original blog, but it did give me a chance to share that when things don’t go the way you thought they should, they are often incredible opportunities to expand and grow. Maybe someday I’ll write what I was going to write about Savannah Guthrie’s amazing speech…but for now, I learned my lesson. Don’t push what doesn’t want to be written…learn from it instead. Ready to take what you thought were “failures” and turn the into information? FromWithin Coaching is here to help. And if anyone knowns WordPress and wants to barter for coaching – feel free to reach out! Humbly, Coach Amy  Know your history and what you can do with it…. (Her story, his story and the importance of your history.) What do you mean ‘know my history’ Coach LJ? As a career coach, I have the privilege to come and meet a lot of people from all walks of life. Different beings, different personalities, different upbringings and different stories. Those stories are a big part of who they are at the moment. It is a combination of unwritten rules of the family they are part of. The jobs and positions their parents held. Their siblings and their relationships with them. The schools and universities they went to. The friends they have the sandbox till now. Nine out of 10 times I ask my clients to write their own story, their autobiography. These stories are worth to be written down. Going through the motions of life and daily routines it is almost a necessary thing to do. Sit down, think your life over and then write. The remarkable thing is that everybody will write different stories. Not because the people are different. The story is different because he will start his story from the age of 8 years old because he vividly remembers an event from that time which made quite an impression. Someone else will cover her professional career up until now. Is there a “right story”? In writing your own biography, there is no wrong or right. What comes to mind at that writing moment in time will be written down. When you are done writing about 4 to 5 pages, I presume you will read it and maybe discover patterns, specific choice of words. Maybe you elaborated on a subject or timeframe a few pages. This is interesting information that might give you insights on your behavior, the jobs you choose, the companies you work for or even the partner you are with. There is so much hidden knowledge in your story. That is why I believe in this approach. I refer to this part of career coaching as the phase of taking inventory. What are all the pieces of information from your past that made the person that you are now? After the inventory. After having taken inventory and having made sense out of all the events from the past my client is able to pivot toward the present and the future. Depending on my clients’ initial ‘career’ question the path toward a solution or answer to this question can now be faced with more knowledge about oneself. To be a leader of oneself and possibly others it is a necessity to understand oneself. Or at least try! It can be daunting to sit down and write your own life story I understand that. Maybe there is a way to try it by keeping a journal of your current life. Or you might want to write down your accomplishments you have achieved so far. There are many roads that lead to Rome. To being a conversation towards “your story,” please consider setting up a 25-minute exploratory session with me. I look forward to hearing your story! – Coach LJ    I was going through my office last week and found the following books in my collection: “Coaching for Performance,” Coaching for Commitment,” and “Coaching for Dummies” (yes, I admit, I own several of the “Dummies” series on a variety of topics!). There has yet to be a publication titled, “Coaching for Flow,” or, if it exists, it has yet to land on my bookshelf. As viewed by the individual who coined the phrase, “flow,” Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, “flow” happens when “…the task at hand draws one in with its complexity to such an extent that one becomes completely involved in it.” They way I like to describe the experience to my clients is when time seems to stand still; when you’re so engaged in an activity that you look at a clock and realize several hours have passed. And you didn’t even know it! I had the honor of interviewing Professor Csikszentmihalyi at the Drucker Graduate School of Management (Claremont Graduate University) many years ago when I was completing a final project to receive my coaching certification. While receiving my coaching training I reflected on the “flow” concept and realized it’s a state of complete engagement and, often, utter satisfaction. How appropriate for a coaching strategy, to help clients land in a place where they experience “flow” several times a week, while working at their job, leading a team, or anticipating a career change. Dr. Csikszentmihalyi thought I was on to something and encouraged me to continue with that orientation, introducing “flow” into a coaching conversation by asking, “What are you doing when time seems to stop still?” More than likely that’s an activity, an environment, or a group that brings you deep pleasure; who wouldn’t want to bring as much “flow” into their life as possible? He went on to explain that the activities where we experience “flow” are “…intrinsically rewarding because their primary reward is simply in being involved with them…” as opposed to those that are extrinsically rewarding “…which we do only with the expectation of some gain, or to avoid being punished.” “Flow” is ultimately “…the matched balance of challenges and skills.” As a coach, I strive for that in my practice with clients. Life is challenging, no doubt. And it’s difficult not having the skills, confidence, or courage to deal with those challenges. Pay attention next time you realize several hours have gone by: What were you doing? Who were you with? Where were you? You may have been in “flow” without even knowing it…and wasn’t it a great place to be? To being a conversation towards “flow,” please consider setting up a 25-minute exploratory session with me at https://fromwithincoaching.com/team/lu-setnicka; I look forward to hearing from you. Contact me for a free exploratory session! -Coach Lu Setnicka [All quotes from an advance copy of “Good Business: Leadership, Flow, and the Making of Meaning,” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi]   “Oh, I can totally help you. Yes, I have two resumes due today for clients and still need to get a workout in and finish my taxes, but I can help…it’s only 8pm…I’ll just drink some chai and stay up all night…all good, I’ve got this…I can totally help you…”
Sound familiar? This is often my conversation on a daily basis with those I love. Well, sometimes it is with those I just like…hell, sometimes it is even with people I don’t like. I am a People Pleaser…and that leads me to do for others before I do for myself. But I am not just a People Pleaser, I am a People Pleasing Obliger (otherwise known as a PPO but not to be confused with Naughty by Nature’s, OPP song and innuendo…) A PPO is double trouble for someone who needs to hold herself accountable. I do for everyone else before I do for myself. That leads to me letting myself down on a regular basis, because what MY goals often get pushed aside for others helping them achiever THEIR goals. However, I have found a way to break free from the handcuffs I put on myself as a PPO and have learned to “self” myself. I hope this may be helpful for you if you self-describe as a People Please or Obliger. Or anyone who allows others’ wants and needs to get in front of their own wants and needs. It all starts first with understanding what an Obliger is. Gretchen Rubin, author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, has helped millions of readers to get happier. In her book, Better Than Before, she tackles the critical question: How can we make good habits and break bad ones? According to Rubin, “Know thyself and thy expectations and you’ll find success in changing your habits.” It’s very important to know ourselves, but self-knowledge is challenging. Rubin has found a way to sort everyone into four categories, which describe how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (a deadline, a “ask” from a sweetheart) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution). Your response to expectations may sound slightly obscure, but it turns out to be very, very important. Rubin shares that “knowing our tendency can help us set up situations in the ways that make it more likely that we’ll achieve our aims. We can make better decisions, meet deadlines, meet our promises to ourselves, suffer less stress, and engage more deeply with others.” In a nutshell, the Tendencies can be divided into 4 categories:
Oh….I just thought I sucked at setting AND getting the goals I set. But it turns out I don’t suck at it, my tendency is to help others set AND get their goals. Sound familiar? Do you do the same thing? Then keep reading… The other thing I learned about myself is that my Obliger Tendency also takes the form of People Pleasing…you know, the thing that makes you do things to make others happy…over your own happiness? So, I am a People Pleasing Obliger (PPO). I admit it. It actually makes me super valuable on a team – always doing for others on the team over my own needs, ensuring that everyone is happy, and all is well before I am well. Now, let me say this, I do get into “rebel” Obliger mode occasionally when I finally have my fill of doing for others and just dig my heels in and won’t do for others, but I feel like crap during that rebellion period and then feel shame for “failing” others…it isn’t pretty, the rebellion part and the feelings after. So it doesn’t happen often. But when it does, it leaves me exhausted. As a Coach, I find I am not the only People Pleasing Obliger in the world. In fact, with the clients I tend to attract, it appears to be a common trait. And that trait often creates issues for my clients. They do for EVERYONE else before they do for THEMSELVES…yet they often come to me to make change for themselves, and when I ask them what might get in the way of that change, they often admit, “Me and my need to please others and help them first over myself.” Ah yes, a sure-fire way to let others’ needs get in the way of your own needs. So, how does a People Pleasing Obliger help herself get out of her own way and tendencies and focus on what she needs? By “selfing”. Selfish vs. Selfing The issue is that most People Pleasers feel like if they live their lives pleasing only themselves, they become selfish like “those people” who they have spent their lives abhorring. You know the type, those self-involved, belly button staring people who always want to help you in your time of need with something that sounds like “Ohhh…. that totally happened to me, let me tell you what I did…” and so on. What I ask of my Clients who are PPs is to instead think of it more as “Selfing” versus “Being Selfish”. Selfing in nature means the self-pollination…this usually happens with flowers when they are alone in the field and don’t see their other kind…they have no one to share with yet the survival of their species depends on sharing and pollinating…so they self-pollinate or said another way, they self-grow. To me, asking my PPs to “self”versus being “selfish” is much healthier. Being selfish usually entails hurting someone else in the process…Selfing on the other hand never actually hurts anyone expect the person who doesn’t do it. But I had to practice selfing and not feeling selfish. Selfing isn’t easy for a People Pleasing Obliger. As someone who is a People Pleasing Obliger, I do have super powers…I can help others in times of need, but now that I know that I have this tendency to do for others before I do for myself, I have learned that when I decided to “self” myself (sometimes taking the form of taking a nap, passing on a project because it will force me to work over the weekend, or just sitting and watching every episode of “The Crown” back to back on a rainy day instead of cleaning my cellar), I needed to actually tell someone I am going to do that. A crucial element is accountability for me as an Obliger. Late fees, deadlines, monitoring, and consequences enforced from the outside is key to my success. And I am no longer embarrassed by that. When I tell someone that I am going to do it, I do it, right? So why not tell people that I am going to “self” myself? It works the same way. By telling others about my plan to “self”, I used my super powers of doing for others by actually doing the “selfing” because I didn’t want to disappoint them… Eventually, the more I “selfed” myself, the more I did it without needing the accountability factor – it became a habit and I no longer need the accountability…ok, well, as much. I still need accountability, but I am able to start to “do for myself” and it feels good. I may never be an Upholder, but I am no longer a believer that in doing for myself, I am not being selfish. I am self-pollinating…I am allowing myself to grow. And when I grow, anything is possible. I set AND get my goals. Ready to grow yourself and start selfing? FromWithin Coaching is here to help. Yes, we also work with Upholders, Obligers, and Rebels looking for support – no matter your tendency, if you want to set a goal AND get one, we can help. Happy to oblige, Coach Amy “Know Thyself, Be Thyself, Love Thyself” - Greek Oracle As a Life and Wellness Coach, I am committed to guiding others in their journey of self-discovery so that they may live empowered, meaningful, and impactful lives. I place incredibly high value on doing this personal growth work myself and it’s where I invest a lot of my time, energy, and money. I often refer to this journey as The Great Untangling as it involves peeling back layers of a lifetime of conditioned patterns, habits, and armoring in order to uncover the true essence of self. It involves cultivating deep levels of self-acceptance and self-compassion in order to understand and freely allow this life changing process of personal evolution to occur.
When we allow ourselves to go inward and navigate our lives from a place of true self-knowing and integrity, we are able to create the powerful life we want, one full of purpose and impact. We have the ability to achieve true success in all areas of life and to be free of self-sabotaging and self-defeating patterns and behaviors. A commitment to this self-discovery process allows us to become powerful creators of our own destiny. We happen to life instead of life happening to us. The first step into this deep dive of self-knowing is to determine our core values. Dr. John Demartini, a human behavior specialist and creator of The Demartini Values Determination Process explains that our core values are what we believe to be most important in life. They are the things in life inspire and energize us and are what we gravitate towards and fill our life with. They are the fundamental beliefs and standards of behavior that guide our actions and therefore the results we get in life. Demartini explains that our individual core values are born out of our voids or areas in life where we perceived an absence of them. For instance, if you grew up experiencing turmoil and a perceived lack of safety in your childhood or home life, you may hold peacemaking in relationships and needing a sense of security as high values in your life. You will gravitate towards people and experiences that provide this for you. My top value of self-acceptance and being true to myself and helping others do the same also came from my past of never being allowed to be myself. I was raised within strict social norms and with being expected to fit into what society expected of me. I learned to push down my thoughts and feelings and to not speak up for myself as it was always “wrong” or not acceptable. Other examples of core values are connection, dependability, growth and learning. Two people might have the same top core values but they will mean completely different things to each depending on their own individual past experiences and challenges. In this way, our hierarchy of core values are as individual to us as our fingerprint and they become our personal guidance system and the key to unlocking our unique “calling” or purpose in life. When we are living according to our highest values, we experience increased self-worth and expanded possibilities and opportunities. We are energized to pursue challenges that truly inspire us. Our capacities are maximized, our inner genius and creativity are able to be tapped into, and we are able to authentically shine and inspire others. Determining core values is the crucial first step in our journey into self-discovery and self-empowerment and in committing to living a created and inspired life full of purpose, meaning, and joy. -Coach Augusta |
AuthorThe authors of these blogs include incredible Coaches and Writers at FromWithin Coaching who are inspired to share their thoughts, ideas, comments, and possibilities with YOU, the reader. Archives
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